Melissa's Journal Archives - Page 11 of 11 - Melissa Dinwiddie | Create the Impossible™

April 14, 2010

On Tears, Connections, Dreams and Excellent Advice

I type this through tears, but fear not, gentle imaginary reader – they’re tears not of sadness or distress, but of something much bigger and, well, good.

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Pause for sobbing attack

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Okay, I’m back (mostly… still crying, but it’s still good crying).

I just spent 6 days on the other side of the country, where I traveled to teach a workshop for a dozen members of the Society of Scribes. This brief trip stirred so much up inside of me that it will take me weeks to process it fully, but the overarching gift was simply noticing the ways in which I am already living the life I want.

Because it never hurts to repeat goals, and because I’m continually refining them anyway, here they are again:

My two main goals for my big, rich, full creative life

1) To spend the majority of my work time actively creating, and the majority of my overall time (dare I say 95%?) doing things I really enjoy

2) To inspire and motivate others to tap their creative channels and live the lives they really, really want

And guess what? I spent all weekend doing #2. And because #2 actually requires a lot of improvisational creativity on my part, I really spent all weekend doing both.

Hence in this small way, and in this one moment in time, I am already living the life I really, really want!

This is big, and important to recognize.

We spend so much of our time and energy reaching toward our goals. It’s good to take time to notice where we are already living them.

And now I come home, my mind abuzz with new ideas (including some cool new offerings I’ll be working on over the next several months for release on LACL down the road – very exciting!), and because I’m compulsive, I turned on my computer when I got in last night, instead of going straight to bed (which perhaps would have been the wise thing to do – go to bed, that is – given the fact that sleep disruption is likely to trigger a migraine, but that’s an area of self-care I’m still working on).

And in my navigations online I took a peek at my stats and noticed that several readers of this blog (my not entirely imaginary imaginary audience!) have been coming from C. Robin Janning’s blog, Gramercy Digital Diary. So I clicked over to her blog and noticed that she’d put up a link to Living A Creative Life in her “Good Stuff To Read” blogroll, which totally made my day (or night, by this point).

So I sent C. Robin a brief note of thanks, and this morning I found the loveliest email reply in my inbox, with very specific validations for my work:

– Praising my music (“Your music video “he’s just not that into you” is delightful and seems to showcase both your lovely voice, a sense of humor, and creativity.”)

– Praising my writing (“I also love your writing style. There is a fine line that one must walk when writing about personal stuff — no whining, no bragging… and you walk that walk beautifully. And humorously. Your use of “feh” the other day, for some reason, made my day.”)

– Praising my art (“Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I love, love, love your calligraphy. AND YOUR BOOKS!! I found one of your web pages:
http://www.mddesignworks.com/html/artfram.html
I love your Torah cover. […] And then for a reason I can’t explain, your “Kinetic Metaphor: Three Alphabets of Self” brought me to tears.”)

Which brought me to tears.

Which is where I was when I started this post: crying from the realization that my big dreams – to do my creative work and touch someone as a result – are actually not just dreams, they’re reality.

The internal work I’ve been doing to figure out my path, and the feelings that have been brewing and bubbling over the past few months, and over this intense teaching and traveling weekend, spilled over into cleansing tears, refreshing my spirit, recharging me for the next steps on the long road ahead. (Oh, the things I have planned! I’ll be sharing them here over the coming days and weeks. Being the compulsive type that I am, I want to write them all right now for immediate posting, but one of the things I’m learning is restraint. It’s a useful tool.)

Thank you, C. Robin, for taking the time to write. How often do I think some admiring thought about someone else, and how often do I actually express that admiring thought to them? I know how helpful validation can be, so I do make an effort to share my admiring thoughts. C. Robin’s note was a beautiful reminder of what a big difference a small effort in this direction can make.

She also shared a piece of wisdom in response to my last post, which I pass on to you here:

And I offer this un-called for advice: take naps. Naps can be a form of creative meditation. Often I work out the next step to a painting or a poem or remember that I must recharge the battery in my camera. This advice comes from an “old woman” who napped even when she was young.

And now, in an attempt to do a better job of self-care, I’m going to take C. Robin’s excellent advice and take a nap.

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In what ways are you already living the life of your dreams?

April 8, 2010

Day 1 of Building My Empire

A New Vision

So a couple of months ago I encountered a blogger who gave me a vision of living the life of my dreams, a life in which I spend 95% of my time (egad, can I even say that?) doing things I actually want to do.

Sound crazy? Maybe so, but Chris Guillebeau is doing it, and reading his A Brief Guide to World Domination and 279 Days to Overnight Success introduced me to others (in a virtual way) who are doing it as well.

If they can do it, why not me?

Now the truth is, I’ve been making a living from my art, working from home, for almost all of my working life. You’d think I have it made!

However, not being a natural entrepreneur, and not having been aware of any role models to follow, I created the only kind of business I knew how, the only way I knew how, and the fact is that although yes, I make my living from my art, I spend a teeny, tiny fraction of my time actually creating art.

There’s something wrong with this picture.

Plus the fact that I work really, really hard, and seriously make barely enough to get by, after all is said and done.

Yes, I live in an expensive part of the world, so I’d probaby make more than enough to get by if I lived in Moab, Utah, but I want to make more than enough to get by wherever the hell I live!

And although artists are heavily programmed to feel that there’s something wrong with making money, I have finally decided once and for all to hell with that idea!

The Universe Lets Me Have It

So. Back to a couple of months ago. Money was tight. I mean, “I don’ t know how I’m going to pay the mortgage” tight. I was horribly stressed. The man I thought was my life partner decided he couldn’t deal with my stress and moved out, leaving me in even more desperate financial straits, and I found myself suddenly alone.

It felt like my world was falling down around me.

Ain’t that just the way the Universe deals the cards when it’s hella fed up with you not taking the Right Actions it’s been telling you to take all along, because you’ve been so stuck in following the same damn okay-but-not-really-working-the-way-you-want-but-not-bad-enough-to-bust-out path, even though it’s not what you really want, but you’re so damned STUCK that you can’t even imagine that there’s an outside of the box in order to think there?

When you’re that stuck, the Universe gives up on nudges and hints and whispers and just hits you over the head with a big ‘ol 2×4.

That would be me.

In other words, I was in a state of precarious preparedness to fall – to leap – off the ladder I’d built and climbed.

So when I stumbled upon Chris Guillebeau’s The Art of Nonconformity blog (ironically enough, forwarded to me by the aforementioned ex-bf), and close on the heels of that I discovered Havi Brooks’ (and Selma the Duck’s) The Fluent Self, something inside me snapped.

Instead of wishing things were different (and feeling powerless to do anything about it), I committed to figuring out how to make them different. I committed to really going for the life I want.

This blog, of course, is part of what has (so far) come out of that commitment, so it’s an effect of that commitment. But it’s cause as well as effect: writing regularly (I aim for daily, but am working on being gentle with myself when it’s less than that, especially times like right now, when I’m on the road on a teaching gig with no laptop, iphone or [covetcovetcovet] ipad) has been a powerful tool in helping me to keep that commitment.

Because anyone who’s ever tried to do something different, something unconventional, something creative, knows how damned hard it can be to stick with it through the throes of daily life in a world that is largely hostile to the different, unconventional and creative.

Seeking and Investing in Outside Help

One of the things I’ve decided, as part of my commitment to really go after the life I want, is to find as many good teachers and models as I can, and invest in myself with my time, and where it feels appropriate, also with my money. This thing is really important to me, and investing in me and it only makes sense.

However, resources are scarce, and I have debt to pay down for the first time in my life, so making the decision to spend money on anything that isn’t absolutely necessary for daily living is hard. I feel guilty. I feel wasteful.

Ah, don’t you love those voices?

I’ve also made decisions in the past to invest money on things – things for my business – that I was sure would pay me back… and didn’t. Bad decisions, I see now, but they seemed like good ideas at the time. And in fact, the only way to know for sure was to try them. So now, every time I even think of investing in myself – especially on something that is somewhat abstract and hard to measure in terms of ROI – it scares the bejeezus out of me.

But, having said that, I also have to confess that when I look back at my past “bad” money decisions, pretty much every one of them was an investment in a business that I no longer want to run in the way it’s currently structured!! I am burned out being the Chief Cook and Bottle Washer, and I want to spend my time doing the special things I’m really good at and love to do, not the things that half the planet could do (and many of them better than I!)

In other words, if I’m honest with myself, many, if not all of those previous investments were made in an attempt to outrun poverty, rather than in an attempt to create something I’m completely passionate about.

Not to get all “woo woo” on you, but I think the Universe knows this, and responds accordingly.

But getting back to where I started (and yes, this post does have a point). One of the investments I decided oh-so-scarily to make was in a class, a $100 Business Forum, an online group of kick-ass people (led by Chris Guillebeau and Pam Slim),who want to create independence through freelancing or a small business. I’ll be working with Chris and Pam, and 149 of my peers who will be creating their own projects. The Forum starts in May, and I’ll write about my experiences with it here. I’m excited and hopeful that, with 151 other people to help me refine my ideas, I will emerge from those 28 days with a clearer vision of my direction and some concrete steps to take to help get me there.

Meanwhile, Chris Guillebeau just yesterday launched a brand new addition to his Unconventional Guides, the Empire Building Kit. From the first announcement that it was in the works, I knew this was a kit I would want: 365 days of emails, videos, case studies, and all sorts of other goodies, to help me build my empire!

When it was finally released (for only 24 hours at first, with a second release down the road), I had to struggle with the “you can’t afford that” and “you should put that money toward your debt” and “don’t even think of making another stupid money mistake!” voices in my head. Being more expensive than the $100 Business Forum, the EBK was that much harder to justify. Especially because I wasn’t looking at the basic Emperor version – no – I wanted to get a peak into the inner workings of my blog superhero Chris’s business, and in order to get that I would have to spring for the top-of-the-line Alexander the Great version!

Yikes!

It scares me even to put it out in public that I spent so much money. But the fact is, everything I’ve read of Chris’s has been not just well-written, but incredibly well thought-out, impeccably organized and designed, and of immense value. Starting with his twice-weekly posts on his blog, and his free downloads. The man has earned my trust, and he’s a living model of the kind of empire I want to build, so I have high expectations that the EBK will do what it promises, and help me build my empire.

So far I’ve received two emails (one today and one yesterday) and have looked at a couple of the overview PDFs in the EBK. First reaction? Overwhelm! I’m immensely grateful to Chris for writing repeated reminders not to get overwhelmed. Reminders that Rome was not built in a day, and there are 364 days to go in a year of EBK materials and steps.

Deep breath.

Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows that when I discover a Bliss, something I’m passionate about, I dive in head-first. This is just who I am, and I’ve come to recognize it and embrace it. I’ve also come to recognize the urgency that goes along with my M.O: I desperately, desperately want to be good/successful at the thing, right now.

Of course, life just doesn’t work that way. Whether you’re talking about learning to dance, or do calligraphy, or sing jazz, or write well, or build an empire, it takes time, and lots and lots of baby steps, one after another.

This is precisely why I decided to gamble on the EBK. I know my M.O.; just last week I sank into a state of deep funk and overwhelm, feeling like I’d never succeed at building the kind of business and life that I want. Thankfully, I am aware enough to know that the overwhelm will work itself out if I just take things one step at a time. And when building an empire, having some guidance along the way is just a phenomenally great plan.

So here I go. I’m now officially building my empire. Whether it’s a massive success or a gigantic flop, or (worst to imagine of all) a pathetic fizzle, I commit to write about it here. I’m excited, I’m nervous, and hella scared.

Wish me luck.

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Any other Empire Builders out there? Let’s talk! Tell me your story!

April 4, 2010

Enchanting My Magical Treasure Chest

So my blog superhero, Havi Brooks, writes a lot about a metaphor technique she adapted from the teachings of Suzette Haden Elgin. Today I decided to put it to use myself, and a wonderful thing happened:

My packing nightmare tranformed into enchanting my magical treasure chest.

Wow! What had been something to dread and resist suddenly became a helluva lot more fun and interesting!

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I’ve been a lot more productive today, even though I must confess, I’ve been creating handouts and working on printing art to sell at the workshop more than any actual packing magical treasure chest enchanting.

All in good time, all in good time. Being productive just feels good, regardless of which items are actually getting checked off the bottomless list.

Now I’m looking for other places I can put metaphors to work.

Thank you Havi! Brilliance, brilliance, brilliance.

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What metaphor could you put to use in your life right now?

April 1, 2010

Bumps in the Road and Six Tools for Navigating Them

In which the author rambles on for over 1,300 words about feeling sucky, and about six tools for helping feel unsucky.

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So here’s where it gets hard. For over a week I managed to stay pretty solidly in the place of hope, excitement, and belief in myself and my dreams.

The past couple of days, though, have been rough.

Suddenly I feel smothered by overwhelm. Grief from a recent loss has unexpectedly welled up and slammed – smack – right into me. A day ago, full of hope, I read a wonderful article on doubt at Soul Shelter. Now I find myself drowning in it (self-doubt, that is).

So it seems I’ve come to my first bump in the road.

I have to ask myself: Is this whole endeavor just a complete waste of time?

But then the answer comes right back: No!

Benign reality: my primary goal in starting this blog is to inspire myself to keep going after the life I want.

And guess what – I’m writing daily, and have been making art and progressing in other ways. So from this perspective, my mission is already a success!

I knew I’d hit bumps in the road. The whole point of this narcissistic exercise is to help me navigate my way through them (or over them, or around them – pick your preposition).

So, kiddo, what do you do when you hit a bump?

Thankfully, I’ve learned a thing or two about myself in my decades on this planet. (Havi would call this my Book of Me, though my actual physical book is spread out among years of journals.)

Sometimes I think of it as a Tool Box.

If I need to connect a couple of pieces of wood, I grab a hammer and nails. If I need to get through a rough time, there are some things that I know work.

Of course, not yet having achieved the state of perfection, I don’t always do them…

But I’m getting better!

Here’s a list of some of the tools I’ve been using (or not), and how it’s going right now:

Crying

Okay, I know that may sound like a weird tool, but don’t you always feel better after a good cry? Or if not better exactly, at least slightly less stuck?

No, it’s not a fun tool, but it is a useful one, and I’ve been using it a lot lately!

This tool is much better if you can use it in the presence of someone who can listen, and not comment, and not give advice, and whom you know won’t get all caught up in worrying about you, but will know you’re really okay underneath all the tears; you just need to vent a whole lot of emotion to get back to seeing Benign Reality and that your life is good.

Of course, finding people who can do this is not always easy.

People get confused, and think that the crying is the hurt, when in fact it’s the healing from the hurt. And the last thing you need when you’re trying to heal from a hurt is to worry about someone else getting all freaked out, and feel like now you’ve got to take care of them in addition to taking care of your own sorry self!

A good therapist can play this role. Or a co-counselor, who takes turns with you – one of you plays the role of “Client” and the other plays the role of “Counselor.” You set a timer, and then swap when the time’s up.

It’s amazing. I’ve been doing it for over a dozen years now in a local co-counseling community, and it has changed my life.

Have I reached out to my co-counselors during this bump? A little. I had a great mini-session yesterday, but 10 minutes is not nearly enough when you’re drowning in grief. I have a much longer session scheduled for tomorrow, so that’s good.

Tool use score: Good. Could use some work reaching out.

Going for a walk

Something about getting outside and walking, moving through space, just makes a big difference. I especially like walking where I’m closer to to nature. Yesterday and over the weekend I went to the park near my home, out in the Baylands.

The underlying hum of rush hour traffic from the nearby freeway is inescapable, but the rustle of tall grass in the wind adds a layer of gentler sound. Honking geese, ducks, egrets and other water birds remove me from the problems inside my head. Even the snails scattered along the trail pull me out of myself. (Have there been snails on the path before? I don’t remember them! What beautiful shells they have, white with a delicate brown lace overlay.)

I wonder what it must be like to be a duck, to be focused only on eating and procreating, and whatever else it is that ducks think about.

For at least a moment I am not thinking about myself and my problems!

I suspect the ducks are probably not concerned about achieving something meaningful and great with their ducky lives. Just being a duck is enough.

Which is probably a lesson.

But even if I don’t make it out to the park, even if I just walk around my suburban neighborhood, something about the rhythm of my feet on the ground, my arms swinging, just shakes things up, moves some energy, helps get me unstuck.

Tool use score: Pretty good — I’ve gotten out for a long walk a few times in the past week-plus. Daily would be ideal, but is probably not realistic at this juncture. I’m working on being easy on myself, so 2-3 long walks in a week is a reasonable goal.

Writing

I’ve taken to bringing a little pocket journal and a pen on my walks. I’ve spent most of my life writing in my head: letters, expository essays, random musings. The problem is, if it doesn’t actually get written down, it can’t accurately be called writing.

Now I find myself scribbling like mad at every opportunity. Sometimes I spend more of my “walk” writing than I do walking!

I notice that when I’m writing, I feel like I’m being actively creative, which in turn feels like I’m doing something concrete to create the life I want, so yay me!

Tool use score: Excellent! Writing daily!

Yoga

Everything goes better when I’m doing yoga regularly! I’ve learned that I’m not very good about doing it on my own (even though I’ve been through yoga teacher training!), but I get to a great vinyasa class at least twice a week.

Three times a week is more than 50% better… but doesn’t always happen. It takes just that much effort to get to class, and it’s so easy to think I really need that hour and a half to get work done.

And this week my old shoulder injury has flared up, so it’s a Catch-22: go to yoga and delay my shoulder healing, or don’t go to yoga and feel crappy!

Monday I went, and the class just massacred my shoulder. Today I skipped it.

Tool use score: Not good, because of my shoulder. Perhaps more walking?

Avoiding Sugar

Since I switched to eating “primal,” ala The Primal Blueprint, it’s become easier for me to avoid sugar. The big key is keeping it out of the house. I frequently crave sweets when I’m feeling down, but eating sugar never actually makes me feel better.

I know this.

Unfortunately, with Passover, there’s been a lot more sugar around. Dinners on both the 1st and 2nd nights had lots of yummy desserts, and I ate too much..

Still, aside from that I was actually doing pretty damn well… until today when I tucked into the leftover vanilla ice cream.

Tool use score: Not that great. But better than at some times in my life, it should be noted.

Getting adequate sleep

Ugh. This is a hard one. My biggest challenge. Here I am, compulsively working on this post, and it’s almost 1:00am.

‘Nuff said.

Tool use score: pretty dismal.

And on that note, I’ll sign off.

(Wordy little thing, isn’t she?)

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What tools do you find helpful when you come to a bump in the road?