LCN 070: When Comparison Makes You Want to Quit

When someone writes on Facebook that they wish they were camped out in your living room right now, it has a way of making you sit up and take notice.

Thanks to the wonders of Facebook notifications, I got an email the other day, letting me know that writer Lou Blaser had written just that, tagging me in the process.

It was a comment on her own status update to her Facebook profile. A status update that wrenched my heart, because I related to it so deeply.

Here’s what Lou wrote:

I read a page of Ian McEwan’s and my heart breaks, not in tiny tidy pieces, but in large sharp shreds.

I read a post by Julia Cameron and I just want to crawl back to bed.

These are my favorite writers. I devour what they write. Their words get under my skin. I live in their made-up worlds.

 

Clearly, Lou had already found an eloquent resolution to her comparison problem. And yet the first comment on her post was her own. That’s when she wrote:

Melissa – oh how I wish I was camped in your living room right now.

(I just love that. I got this great visual of Lou in a sleeping bag on my living room floor.)

I wrote a lengthy response, and I thought to myself, dang, that should be a podcast episode!

So I copied my response here, tweaked it a bit, and here it is.

When Comparison Makes You Want to Quit

Dear Lou,

The paralyzing exercise of comparison you speak of is exactly the same trap that made me quit writing entirely in my late 20s. Believe me, at the time this choice may have felt like a relief from pain — it did, in a way — but it did not lead to greater happiness.

Because denying ourselves our creative joys does nothing but deny the world our unique gifts! And, of course, it denies us our creative joys, too.

Now, I have to say that I still feel the same way as you describe — and you describe it so beautifully. I feel that way every single time I look at my heroes’ art, listen to my heroes’ incredible songs, read my heroes’ breathtaking prose.

I feel like that teeny, tiny ant you describe, with my heart in large, sharp shards.

And yet, this is very hard for me to believe, but there are people out there who feel this way about my work!

And the reason I share that, is that there are people out there who feel this way about your work, Lou.

When I read Big Magic, it was hard not to think I should just quit, because what’s the point? She said it all. How could I ever measure up to Liz Gilbert?

And yet not long ago, a former student of mine emailed me to tell me she’d recently read Big Magic, , and thought it was good…

But she got so much more out of the program she’d gone through with me, and was waiting for MY book to come out!

Knock me over with a feather!

That book that she’s waiting for is the book I have not finished yet, partly because it feels so ridiculous for me to write a book, when I compare my pathetic prose and my meager attempts to what Elizabeth Gilbert has already written!

But here’s the thing: what I’m going to write, maybe in my eyes it’s never going to be nearly as good as anything Elizabeth Gilbert will write, but nobody’s going to write it the same way that I would write it.

My former student may resonate with my work, and she might read my book and get a ton out of it, but when I read it, all I see is “vastly inferior to what Liz Gilbert can do.”

So here’s what I have to do:

I have to continually remind myself that my job is not to compare and judge. My job is to CREATE. (Click to tweet.)

My job is to create. And that is the same for you.

Your job, Lou, is to create, not to compare and judge.

The other thing, as I said, is that there are people out there who will resonate with what I create…

There are people out there who will resonate with what you create…

In fact, some of those people may even resonate MORE with what you and I create than with what our heroes create!

For whatever reason.

Maybe even BECAUSE my prose is not as breathtaking as Elizabeth Gilbert’s. Maybe they will relate better to me because I feel more like them — more accessible, less “perfect.”

Because Elizabeth Gilbert, to me, seems so perfect as a writer.

Who knows.

It doesn’t matter why they resonate.

All that matters is that I create.

All that matters, Lou, is that you create.

And that we put our creations out into the world, regardless of how pathetic they feel when we hold them up next to our heroes’ creations.

I may never be as well regarded or successful as my heroes, but that’s not what it’s about.

My imperative is still to create, because that is what humans are here to do.

Your imperative, Lou — and anyone else who’s reading or listening — is to create and put your creations out into the world, regardless of how you might judge them or compare them to your heroes.

Your imperative is to create, because that is what humans are here to do.

Besides, nobody else, all of human history, will ever create in exactly the same way you will. And somebody is waiting for your next creation. Who are you to deny them? (Click to tweet.)

Somebody is waiting for me to finish my book, so who am I to deny them?

If I can make a difference for one person, even if all that difference is is that I make them smile, or make them think slightly differently about something, I’ve changed the world!

That’s huge. That’s important. It might feel tiny, but it’s really big.

I have to remind myself of this constantly.

There is a reason I teach this stuff. We teach what we need to learn.

And I am the Poster Child of stepping in the Comparison Trap!

I step in the Comparison Trap, on average, at least six times a day. My job is to pull myself out and get back to work. (Click to tweet.)

And that is the same for you, Lou.

The Universe needs your creations. Only you can create them, and
if you let the Comparison Trap stop you, you rob us, in addition to yourself.

You are robbing the Universe. You are robbing the people who are waiting to read what you have to share.

We need you to keep creating and keep sharing.

(And as I read this, I am also saying to myself: The Universe needs your creations, Melissa. Only you can create them, and if you let the Comparison Trap stop you, you rob the Universe, in addition to yourself.)

So that, Lou, is what I have to share with you today. I really hope it’s helpful.

❤️

 

Quotes In this Episode

Click to tweet:

“Every expert was once a beginner.” @loublaser

“Comparing your work with others’ is disrespecting your own art.” @loublaser

My job is not to compare and judge. My job is to CREATE.

Somebody is waiting for my next creation, so who am I to deny them?

I step in the Comparison Trap at least 6 times a day. My job is to pull myself out & get back to work.

If you let the Comparison Trap stop you, you rob the Universe, in addition to yourself.

Resources In this Episode

Lou Blaser

Big Magic, by Elizabeth Gilbert

Thanks for Listening!

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