LCN 100: Piling Bricks of Fear (Fear and Creativity)

Sunday I came back from five blissful days at the Friends of Calligraphy Spring Retreat.

While I was there, I never wanted to leave.

But I missed my husband and my fluffy Siberian kitty. And doing improv. And sleeping in my own bed.

And on Friday I fly to Hartford, Connecticut to speak at the CTPPA 68th Annual Convention. If I lived in a retreat center making art 24/7/365, I wouldn’t be doing things like that. So there are trade-offs.

Still, right now, I’m a bundle of nerves.

Not just rehearsing my speech (honestly, I wish I could spend all day just rehearsing my speech — I’d be a lot less nerve-addled if I could), but doing all the other things that have to get done that keep me from rehearsing my speech!

Now it’s after 9:00 pm, and I still don’t have a podcast done.

And the podcast publishes at 6:00 am…

So for this week’s episode I decided to riff on a little post which I published to Instagram yesterday morning, and then emailed out to my ArtSpark subscribers not long after that.

In my ideal world, my 100th episode would be much grander. Definitely better planned out than this.

(Yes, it’s my 100th podcast!)

But this is the reality of life as a creative, and as a human: we make do with what we have, and some days get rocky.

And certainly, things don’t always go as planned.

So we practice self-compassion as best as we can, forgive ourselves for being human, and keep plugging away.

Here’s the post (the podcast contains a lot more than this blog post version):

“Do you feel fear when you create?” she asked.

Yes. All the time.

And right now, my anxiety is mounting as my two speaking gigs approach.

So! Much! Fear!

I know she was referring to the fear of the blank page, the fear of making an ugly mark that I don’t like, but ultimately it’s all the same thing. Fear is fear.

Will I forget what I intended to say? Will my technology not work? Will the audience be bored? Will my break-out activity be fun for them, or bore them? Will they all leave the room in disgust?

And: will my ukulele break a string? Or just break?

Will I have a wardrobe malfunction? Will I get sick? Will I lose my voice?

The anxiety and fear piles up in my chest like bricks, rising higher by the day.

But this is part of the process. This is just how it goes when you do something new.

All those questions are the voices of my gremlins, trying desperately to get me to STOP, to not leave my comfort zone. Trying to keep me safe. Trying to keep me from growing.

Because all growth and creativity happen OUTSIDE your comfort zone. So gremlins will use every trick in the book to try and keep you from leaving!

I just smile, thank them for their concern, and keep right on going.

I do my daily doodle, and get on with rehearsing, creating my slides, and preparing for my trip.

That’s the Creative Sandbox Way.

Thanks for Listening!

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Now go get creating!

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