Originally published on Valentine’s Day 2011, this is one of my all-time favorites. It felt appropriate to bring it out again for another Valentine’s Day, in which I’m celebrating over three years being married to Miracle Man, and seven years since the day he swooped back into my life after I passed him over for other guys twice (that’s a long story for another time). Enjoy! xo,Melissa
Today’s post is my contribution to the Love Sparks Blogging Festival, started by Jasmine Lamb. All across the blogosphere, participants are posting blogs about love, in response to Jasmine’s request.
I’m staying close to home on this one, sharing something rather personal. Something I’m a little shy about revealing. But it’s what’s been on my mind, and what popped into my head when I got Jasmine’s invitation, so it’s what I’m sharing today. Hope you enjoy it.
I’ve never been big on Valentine’s Day.
As far as I’m concerned, it’s a brilliant ploy by the flower, card and candy industries rather than any truly meaningful moment in annual time.
This year, though, is a little different.
One year ago I had just been unceremoniously dumped, 2 days before Valentine’s Day, in what felt like a particularly shocking betrayal.
Little did I know it at the time, but my ex’s departure would clear the way for the entry, on Valentine’s Day itself, of new love into my life.
Though it took me almost a year to figure that out.
Because love, I’ve discovered, is not that weak-in-the-knees, sweaty palms, dry mouth, can-barely-speak-because-you’re-so-nervous-to-be-around-them feeling.
Nor is it that surely-we-knew-each-other-in-a-past-life feeling.
Or the oh-my-god-that-was-so-amazing-I-feel-like-I-just-touched-the-face-of-the-divine feeling.
Or the surely-I-will-die-without-you feeling.
I submit, in fact, that the feeling of being madly in love is actually a form of mental illness. May I point out to you that the phrase is, after all, “madly in love.” Witness, too, the term “crazy about you.”
Nonetheless, yes, I’ve experienced all of the above feelings, and they’re wonderful. I freely confess that I love being in love.
But as your mom may have told you, being in love is not the same as truly loving or as being truly loved.
Here’s a secret: every person I’ve ever fallen madly in love with has not, in the end, been a good match for me.
This is contrary to everything I ever learned about love, from fairy tales, from movies, from books and poetry and art. Even from my parents’ 50+ year marriage. (The lucky [expletive deleted]’s met when they were 19, fell in love, and are still happy to be with each other.)
Though falling is the more quoted mode of entry, I’ve discovered that it’s quite possible to gradually wander into love.
(Which makes me wonder how many people I might have wandered into love with, had I only given them more time.)
I’ve learned from experience that regardless of what other kinds of love you’re swimming in – infinite variations of filial, friendly, brotherly, spiritual, erotic, romantic, etc. etc. (English has a sad dearth of words to describe the vast number of types of love) – the being in love feeling is transitory. Often when it starts off strongest, it goes away fastest.
But sometimes it also comes back.
(Which makes figuring out when to end a relationship challenging indeed.)
Thankfully, the wisdom of experience whispered in my ear that if the being in love feeling can come back after leaving, perhaps it can show up where it had never been before…
Give someone enough time to show you who they really are, and you might be surprised at how your heart swells and opens.
A good match, it turns out, may have less to do with how crazy-wild-with-love you feel, than with how your life goes when the person in question is in it.
(Single people, take note.)
On Valentine’s Day one year ago I grieved the loss of an untrustworthy love, one that spoke a good line, but was perched on flimsy values. Rotten roots that disintegrated at the first sign of challenge.
Today I celebrate a steadfast love. One that kept coming back rather than running away. One that not only doesn’t flinch at challenges, but in every way possible makes my life go better.
I wish the same for everyone this Valentine’s Day.
Which is now – rather ironically, given my scorn for the holiday – my anniversary day.
Here’s to hearts and roses.
PS — Pssst! Know someone who might benefit from seeing this today? Pass it on!
Ah, one of the advantages of getting older is wisdom! You’re sounding pretty wise, Melissa! 🙂
Haha! Occasionally I’ll do something that impresses me as wise. Thank goodness age has certain compensations for the other stuff that inevitably comes along with it. 😉
I’m very sorry to hear about last year’s heartache, but very happy to hear about the great recovery!
I’ve never been a big fan of Valentine’s Day either. Many times I’ve thought about trying to get in on all the greeting card money, though lol. Now that would be a very happy Valentine’s Day 🙂
Thanks for posting about the Festival, I’m going to forward this on to some friends of mine. All the best Melisa!
Thanks John! Although I do have some greeting card designs, I’ve only ever sold them at street fairs, so they’re barely on my radar, and I haven’t ever managed to get in on the Valentine’s Day action. Just this weekend I smacked myself on the forehead and thought “Doh! You could have done a special V-Day promotion if you’d been thinking ahead!”
Next time…
I’ve often noticed the fear that goes hand in hand with infatuation–the desperation that the wonderful feeling might go away. And it always does.
When I met the man I’ve spent the last 12 years with, it wasn’t like that. It was more of a “Oh, you’re here” feeling. It was something I knew in my bones that didn’t frighten me one little bit.
Wonderful post, Melissa. Happy anniversary to you!
You’re so right — fear goes hand-in-hand with that infatuation. And the wonderful feeling always does go away.
So glad to hear you found a lasting love. 🙂
I have tears in my eyes. That is so profound and moving, Mel. Happy valentine’s day, sweet friend!
Woohoo! I live to make people cry! 😉
I’m so glad it touched you, Aim. xoxo
a valentine’s lesson for us all…
*swoon*
Aw, thanks Susie! *smiles*
This is just so damn beautifully written that I am in awe. But, on top of that, I am just incredibly happy for you.
Wow, thanks Kim! I’m so glad it spoke to you.
And yes, this year is a helluva lot better than last! 😉
“wandering into love” — what a beautiful way to say it. Works for me! (It has, actually, worked for me — for 14+ years now….that’s how I finally ended up happily married…)
All the best to you.
Aw, thanks Elaine! Your relationship has always been a big inspiration to me. We should sit down and compare notes over tea sometime…
WOW! Melissa, I could have written this myself!!!! And share your experiences and thought exactly. Mine took almost a year and a half to find me. The pain and aftermath of a severe parting was something I wanted to avoid at all costs and thought I would never trust again….EVER! With calmness and gentleness of spirit he has slowly but surely won me over and I have a stability I never knew possible.
I am with you all the way sister….It’s good to know what TRUE love really means :o)
Oh, I love reading your story, Poppie! Patience and persistence is such a great treasure in a man, isn’t it? I give thanks every day that my guy has both in spades, otherwise it would be my sad loss. Here’s something I didn’t share in the post above: I broke it off with my guy, twice, truly believing he wasn’t the right match for me. It actually took me three years to fully appreciate his calmness and gentleness of spirit, and to recognize him as the amazing match he really is.
Thank god for patience and persistence!
Boy I so hope I will meet someone like this one day… *sigh*
Happy Valentine’s, Melissa.
I hope you do too, Sabrina, and that you *recognize* that person when you meet them! It took me almost 3 years to see my sweetie as a “contender.” I count my blessings every day that he has the patience of a saint. 🙂
This post really speaks to me, Melissa. I’m dating for the first time in my life… and there’s a lot that seems very unclear. The “giving it time” concept is very real to me (and is admittedly something I’ve been bad at so far)… as is how the whole falling head over heels for someone usually ends up bad. Oh, this confusing world of love. Anyway, I appreciate your post 🙂
Oh, how I hear you, Jennifer! Dating/love/relationships are a hotbed of confusion… I dated like a full time job trying to find my guy — in one 2 1/2 year period I literally went on 57 first dates! Sheesh…. If only I’d given Miracle Man more of a chance sooner, I could have saved myself so much trouble — he was about number TWELVE of those 57, but I didn’t see him as a contender, so I blundered along for 2 1/2 MORE years, meeting other men, even got into a 14-month relationship with the WRONG guy.
Ah, well. Apparently I needed to learn all those lessons that I never would have learned if I hadn’t had all those experiences. And it all worked out in the end. 🙂
Yeah agreed, the experiences are important. That’s so interesting that your MM was #12 of 57, and very awesome how he came back into your life. It definitely makes me think more about the guys I’ve dated in the past. (And also makes me want to count the dates I’ve been on…!)
Thanks Melissa for this. I know it was posted a while back but it really speaks to me… I tend to go chasing excitedly after lust, and ignore real and decent guys. I am trying to change myself as I am now 36 and feel it is time, but it is a work in progress. My own dad was very distant and unavailable and I wonder if it has coloured how I view excitement with men. My worry is whether I can change, and find love and attraction with a nice and kind person who wants me! I never know how long I should give someone a chance for, before giving up and returning to old ways. I tend to feel terrible guilt when they like me more than I do them. Thanks for giving me a bit of hope that it can be done 🙂
You can absolutely change, Frances, if you put your mind to it. I highly recommend the book The Four Man Plan, by Cindy Lu: http://thefourmanplan.com/downloads/877/
The author had a similar history — an abandoning father, and difficulty being attracted to good men, etc. This book is so wise and brilliant, and great fun to read, too. I credit my finally finding (er, *recognizing*) the right guy for me in large part to that book!
Thanks Melissa for sharing your tips in your own love story! Also for sharing about the Love Sparks blogging festival 🙂
Aw, you’re welcome, Colleen. 🙂