Last Friday I flew home from two amazing weeks in Turkey, where I made a long-held dream come true.
You’d think that coming home from my Playing Around Istanbul creativity workshop would find me filled with inspiration and rarin’ to go. After all:
- I just had a 2-week break from “regular life, in one of the most inspiring cities in the world.
(I should be refreshed and ready to charge ahead, right?) - I just had the amazing experience of successfully bringing to life a project that I and my partner and fellow Poobah of Play, Kelly, have been working on for a year.
(I have proof that I/we can do this, and do it well. My enhanced confidence should propel me forward, right?) - I even had four days of genuine vacation after the workshop was over, in one of the most inspiring cities of the world.
(Sheesh — I had a vacation! I really should be refreshed, right?)
In truth, instead of revved up, I feel like I’m slogging through a vat of tapioca pudding.
The sight of my list of Projects I Really Want To Make Happen exhausts more than inspires me. All I really want to do right now is read Game of Thrones.
I feel pulled in a thousand different directions, unsure of my next steps. I know what my overall mission is (empowering people to follow their creative callings, while also following my own, of course!), but the how and what of it feel like a chaotic black hole.
Meanwhile — ironically enough, after the success of the workshop — my gremlin voices are telling me that I’m a failure, that I’ll never reach the big goals that I have for myself and my business. (Oh, those gremlins are a laugh-riot, aren’t they? [She says in a voice dripping with sarcasm.])
Thankfully, almost 46 years on the planet have taught me a lot of things. [BTW, did you know I’m running a birthday campaign to bring clean water to those who need it? I’m giving up my birthday for charity: water, and I’m giving gifts to everyone who donates! Click here.] At this point in my life, feelings are rarely brand new — whatever the feeling, I’ve almost always experienced something similar before. And I’ve learned that feelings don’t always jibe with reality.
Here’s what I know to be true:
- There’s almost always some period of let-down after reaching a big goal.
(It eventually passes.) - The slog/stuckness/black hole feeling always precedes a creative flourishing.
(We think that the stuck is a block to creativity, but in fact it’s an essential part. Getting through the stuck IS the creativity!) - Gremlins get loudest whenever you step outside your comfort zone.
(Anytime you accomplish a big goal, you’ve just expanded your comfort zone, so it makes sense your gremlins would be overexcited, yelling untruths in a desperate attempt to shrink back the borders and keep you in your place.)
Twenty years ago I might would have been paralyzed by my sloggy, stuck feeling and gremlin chatter. I’d have read these feelings as a stop sign.
Today, I know they’re just part of the process. Not a message to stop, but perhaps to yield. I know I have to allow myself space between projects. I get to take transition time and I don’t get to beat myself up for it. Trying to brute force my way forward doesn’t work. But neither does collapsing in a heap, surrendering to the gremlins and giving myself up as a failure.
The key (as in most things, I keep discovering) is self-awareness and self-compassion.
Self-awareness is: “What do these feelings remind me of? What do I know to be true?” (See the three points directly above.)
Self-compassion is: accepting where I am and treating myself with love and kindness, rather than beating myself up for not being different than I am.
When I understand that the let-down and slog and gremlins are all part of the process, it makes it ever so much easier to keep moving forward.
I know the stuck and sloggy feeling doesn’t herald the end of my creative life, but rather the start of the next chapter.
So while I ease back into life in Silicon Valley, I’m allowing myself time to cozy up with Game of Thrones and giving myself space to be slow and sloggy.
I always say that everything gets done baby step by baby step, and that includes slogging your way through a vat of tapioca pudding.
Might as well bring a spoon and enjoy the ride.
PS — Pssst! Know someone who might benefit from seeing this today? Pass it on!
Melissa, even your tapioca is beautiful 🙂
And if there’s one thing I’ve learned in a more-than-25-year career as a working artist, even it it still hurts whenever I have to find it out again, it’s that every time you feel like you are back at the beginning and maybe don’t know how to do this thing at all, you are absolutely teetering on the brink of something you had no idea you were capable of.
Hehe! Well, for the beautiful tapioca, I have the lovely work of Andrea Nguyen at Flickr to thank. 😉
Yes. Yes. YES. I hate it every time, but it’s absolutely the truth. 🙂
I love this Melissa! I mean I hate it, but I love it 😉
Yeah, it’s the slog that we all hate to love. Or love to hate. Or whatever. 😉
I’m burning to write about this myself, Melissa. I see it in myself, and I see it in my clients. I want to tell everyone it’s more than OK, it’s important and empowering, to take time to mentally and physically adjust after achieving a big goal (or even a little one.)
I see us all pushing and pushing and pushing, and getting beaten up by the process. Good for you for recognizing that you need some time and space, and then giving yourself that gift! You’ll be brimming with enthusiasm again and re-energized before you know it. 🙂
It is important and empowering, but hot damn is it hard to let ourselves do in this culture of GoGoGo! It’s taken me four decades to *start* to get it, and still I have to remind myself each and every time that downtime is really and truly okay and necessary.
And you’re right — the energy and enthusiasm are already starting to recharge, I can feel it. Little by little, but sooner than I thought if you’d asked me a few days ago!
It’s so encouraging to hear of you taking care of yourself and honoring your own process. Even in this you are a trail blazer. Thank you Melissa.
Aw, thanks, Dena! That’s a great reframe — thinking of myself as a trail blazer in my slogggin! 😉
That bowl of pudding reminded me of a delicious sweet, hot cereal that an Egyptian friend made me once, after my baby was born. Delicious and nutritious, and in her culture, given out to postpartum women and others who need pampering. : )
I came off a week-long high as well, and I am slogging too. I keep remembering what you’ve said in the past about a life in balance, has times when you move from one extreme to another. (Or something like that.) I spent the first week just resting. Now I am getting itchy to return to my brushes and complete the 4 pieces (yes 4) that I worked on during my week away. And yeah, I get the gremlin thing too!!!
Yes, moments of extreme imbalance are part and parcel of a well-balanced life. Ironic, that one, but true.
You’re making me hungry, thinking of the hot cereal! 🙂