Two interesting things happened to me this week that I wanted to share with you.
The first thing is something really good that I didn’t even realize until someone else pointed it out to me!
The second thing started out as something pretty bad and painful, but turned into something really good.
Let’s start with the first thing.
Thing the First
I just finished up the latest session of Creative Sandbox 101, and in the feedback survey that I ask new grads to fill out, one of the members reminded me that Monday was an important anniversary!
I was momentarily confused, because my wedding anniversary is in December, not February.
Then it hit me: February 1st is my Art Anniversary! That was the day when I actually committed to making art for me again, after over a decade of stuckness.
Here’s the story:
Five years ago, on February 1, 2011, I interviewed artist Michele Théberge, as part of my first online course, the Thriving Artists Project (which no longer exists, but Annual Members of my Creative Sandbox get access to all of the interviews and lessons).
In that interview, Michele — who mentors aspiring fine artists in addition to being an artist herself — mentioned that she tells her mentees, “If you can’t put 15 minutes a day into your art, you’re making an excuse.”
Ouch…
She wasn’t talking about me — she was talking about her mentees — but it felt like she was talking directly to me… I could feel myself getting defensive, but I had to stay calm and focus on the interview.
My mind was reeling inside, though, because the defensiveness masked the truth: SHE HAD NAILED ME!
It was that phone interview that made me realize that I HAD BEEN MAKING THIS EXCUSE FOR OVER A DECADE!
I had bought into a story that I needed great, big chunks of time in order to create. And of course, I never managed to get great, big chunks of time!
It had honestly never occurred to me to try putting in such teeny tiny bits of time… because it was never really about the time.
It was an excuse, pure and simple.
“I don’t have time” was a convenient excuse that allowed me to deny the truth: that I was avoiding making art out of fear.
By the end of my interview with Michele, I had decided that I was going to try this 15 minutes a day thing, by gum, and I was starting THAT VERY DAY!
I committed to putting 15 minutes a day (minimum) into art-making for the entire month of February, and not only did I succeed, I kept it up!
It surprised me to discover that 15 minutes is actually enough to get into a state of flow (who knew?). Even more surprising was that just a little bit on a daily basis kept my toe in the Creative Stream way better than a big chunk of time once a week (which, of course, I never managed to create!)
Then in March or April that year I started my ArtSpark Newsletter, as a way to hold myself publicly accountable to my commitment to playing in the Creative Sandbox every day. For several months the ArtSpark went out five days a week.
At the end of 2011 I had completed over 150 pieces of art!!!!
That was more than I’d made in the previous DECADE! (That decade of making excuses… )
Now it’s exactly FIVE YEARS LATER! Wow! So much has happened in that time!
I haven’t always made art every day, but I have absorbed and integrated tools and techniques that have helped me make my life more full-color and more creative than ever.
So Happy Art Anniversary to me!!!
Epilogue to Thing the First:
Eventually the ArtSpark Newsletter began to feel like a ball and chain. I was spending more time uploading/downloading and posting than I was putting into the art!
So I pulled it back to 3 days a week…
Then 1 or 2 days a week…
And eventually it went on hiatus.
I’ve pulled it out of hiatus a few times since then. And now, since the advent of MailChimp’s MC Snap iPhone app, and since I’m in a “doodle every morning” practice, the ArtSpark is BACK!
I don’t even have to boot up my computer to send a new issue.
If you haven’t subscribed, click here to get new art in your inbox. Not necessarily every single day, but most days (at the moment). When I rotate the pots on my passion pluralite stovetop the ArtSpark may slow down and/or go on hiatus again, but for now it’s publishing just about every day.
Thing the Second
Recently I re-launched my signature mini-course, Creative Sandbox 101. I was happy with my conversion rate (the percentage of people who signed up), but I sent an email to everyone who didn’t purchase CS101, because I was curious what went into people’s decisions not to buy.
The response to that email has been HUGE. Almost half of my subscribers opened the email (that’s the power of a grabby subject line!), and over 100 sent me a personal reply via email.
(And yes, I sent a personal thank you email back to all of them. Because that’s how I roll. 🙂 )
The responses have been very illuminating. I wasn’t the least surprised that most people said that time/overwhelm, or a schedule conflict was their biggest obstacle, and that the next most common obstacle was money. These are the default reasons everyone gives, but in truth time and money are never the real issue; the real issue is priorities.
“I can’t spare the time” and “I can’t spare the money” are almost always stand-ins for “I didn’t want it badly enough.”
But analyzing my launch is not the real purpose of this post, which is how I turned a nasty barb into gold.
A lot of emails have been very encouraging and positive, too, sharing how much they love my writing, my podcast, etc.
Then this note landed in my inbox:
Because you haven’t ever seen you follow through with any of your big plans. I can’t possibly use you as a mentor.
[I think she meant to say, “Because I haven’t ever seen you…”]
Ouch.
That was my first response. I could feel myself flush with shame.
She nailed me right in a core fear: that I’m a loser who never follows through.
Thankfully, though, I’ve done enough work on dealing with criticism that I did not get stuck there!
First, I asked myself if this was true–is it true that I’ve never followed through on big plans?
HELL NO!
The truth is that there is at least one big plan that I have not followed through on: writing my book.
But there are LOTS of big plans that I HAVE followed through on:
- Co-teaching a creativity workshop in Istanbul
- My Create & Incubate Retreat
- Doing house concerts, including performances & workshops in different states!
- Launching my podcast
- Using my looper in live performance (click here for some examples, or follow me on SoundCloud here)
- Doing a stand-up comedy showcase
- Every single class and workshop I’ve ever offered
- My Erase the Chaos Toolkit
And that’s just off the top of my head.
Then I got curious.
Was this woman on the mailing list for my book? Years ago I started a newsletter to keep people apprised of my progress on the book, and I was curious if that was what she was thinking about.
So I did a search in my gmail inbox, and found another email from the same woman, which landed in my box after I’d given a free webinar before the last session of the Academy program I used to offer.
In that email, she wrote:
I was unable to make the live call because of the time – 6:00 – 7:15 EST is just not convenient. However, I did listen to your Intro, and Melissa, your style is just not mine. There wasn’t a lot of substance in what you had to say, and I think I was looking for something concrete.
Wow! I had forgotten about that email!
It really stung at the time. THIS time, though, it sort of made me feel good to find it.
Why?
Because those two emails together create context. This woman is so clearly NOT my Right People, that I can file anything she has to say in the “Not Worth Getting Upset Over” file.
I can LEARN from her barbs — I DO have a tendency to get super-excited about big plans, and then share them way too early, before I’m truly ready to commit to them, and this is something I’m working on.
But her OPINIONS are not worth paying attention to, because she is not “in the arena,” as Brené Brown would say, AND she is so clearly NOT my Right People!
I have no idea why this woman was still on my mailing list (and I’ve since removed her), except to be a Negative Nelly.
The upshot of this story is that using the tools for dealing with criticism REALLY WORKS. I wanted to share this story as a sort of case study.
The more visible we get, the more feedback we’ll get — both positive and negative.
The answer is not to stay hidden!
The answer is to learn how to manage those negative barbs so they don’t make you bleed to death.
It’s doable! ?
Resources from this Episode
MailChimp’s MC Snap iPhone app
Sign up for my ArtSpark Newsletter
Thanks for Listening!
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Now go get creating!
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Thanks for sharing this. I can see why you sweated this one out! It appears that this ended up really being helpful. And that is the key, right? Once we get over the hurt, we have to see if we can learn from it. And when you were able to look more closely it guided you to think about one of the basic rules of art (and life?) that you can’t please everyone all the time. You have a style that obviously wasn’t a ‘fit’ for her. Hopefully she realized that, too, and moved on. Hopefully she hasn’t been hanging on (staying subscribed) in the hopes that one day your guidance would ‘work’ for her. So, even though her comments ouched some – if she hadn’t sent them, you wouldn’t have been reminded that you need to be who you are! The motivators of the world are still learners. Now you have some more lessons to share! A wonderful cycle, no?
Yep, that is the key for sure — what is there to learn from this situation? And how might I use that to make a difference for others?
As with all of the other stings in my life, it ended up being a gift, as well as a sting. (If there’s anything we humans are good at, it’s making meaning! We are meaning-making beings!)
Way to go for realizing she’s not your Right People, Melissa! Those comments can certainly derail sensitive people like us, but it just showcases how you’ve grown that you were able to step back and look at it objectively enough to have your realization. And Happy Artiversary!
Thanks, Marci! Inner work pays off. 🙂
Love this post, Melissa. So helpful to work with the concept of a target audience (right people). Thank you for sharing and modeling the “is this true” process. I hadn’t heard the “in the arena” concept before, I’m picturing gladiators, which is awesome. I’ll look it up to listen/read further on that.
Thanks, Beth! I think you’d love Brené Brown’s work. The “arena” concept is woven throughout her book, Daring Greatly. Highly recommended. 🙂
Find it on Amazon here: http://amzn.to/1PT31Zp (that’s an affiliate link, fyi, so I’ll make about 3 cents if you click through and purchase. 😉 )
Hi Melissa,
It is a shame that you were unfairly criticised.
Your work and your enthusiasm and youthful zest gives life to others.
You have helped me in focus and in self compassion. Your bravery is an inspiration.
Keep being you for the world’s sake. You increase the joy in the world.
thank you
janine
Aw, thank you so much, Janine. I’m so glad that my sharing has been helpful. That makes me really happy. 🙂
xo,
Melissa
I found it so interesting that the Critic took so much effort to “nail you” and that she did manage to succeed, if only temporarily. She’s actually probably very much “your audience” but has some envy or something that is making her show up in a twisted way. I just had something similar happen in the last couple hours. I posted some paintings in a private group by way of introducing myself and mentioned I had skipped lesson 1 and here was my Lesson 2 project…only to find myself being berated by another woman in the course for doing so. What was interesting to me was how the dozen or so positive comments got nowhere near the emotional response from me…and as I took a shower after I started to think about how that has been pointed out as a typically human (and not very helpful or balanced) response. Just noticing that I was focusing on the thing I did not like, helped me re-focus on the positive. Also, I found myself wanting to respond that this type of comment was the very reason I had hesitated to be visible in the group…and listening to you, Melissa, made me hear how that is actually a mistake I’m making…giving my power to potential people with problems… Anyway, you are, as always an inspiration in your vulnerability and highly entertaining.
I wouldn’t argue that the Critic is looking for something that I may provide, and I’d lay odds that she has some envy or something that’s getting in the way. But I don’t see her as my Right People, because the people I consider my Right People would not be so mired in envy (or whatever) that they’d sling barbs. Envy may be there (God knows I carry enough of it around myself! 😉 ), but it wouldn’t come out in nasty behavior.
As for your focus on the negative comment, THAT, my dear, is human nature! We are wired with a “Negativity Bias.” A lovely (not) residue of evolution.
Your mindfulness in noticing that you were focusing on the thing you did not like was exactly the ninja move that’s needed. The more mindful we can become about our thoughts, the better able we are to not be consumed and led around by them! 🙂
I’m really glad that my story helped you see a more powerful way to respond. Yay!! 🙂
Oh, just have to share an update. She apologized and gave me a bunch of compliments! I think if your Critic hears your podcast, she will do the same…or else she’ll kill you, lol.
Oh, Carol, that’s wonderful! What a lovely end note on that situation!! Did you bring it up with her, or did she spontaneously apologize?
What I did was just state my right (and hers) to choose any order that suits us. And I basically asked: What’s it to ya? She humbly offered an unsolicited apology and then we exchanged many pleasantries. On a side note, there was another woman in this group who I felt had snubbed me in person, but when I posted in the group she was very friendly. Go figure. I’d almost let that stop me too…so another good lesson there.
Thanks for sharing, Carol. I’m so glad that interaction ended on a positive note!
I sometimes surprise myself with how often I make assumptions about people’s feelings and intentions towards me… and how often they are wrong! 😛 Always a learning experience… (And much better when I’m wrong because someone is more pleasant and nice than I thought, rather than the other way around! 😉 )
I love you Melissa! You’re one of my heroes!
Yes, once upon a time not noticing that ripe apple meant you might miss lunch, but not noticing that Sabre toothed tiger stalking you meant you might not miss the lunch you missed, as it were. So the human brain is hard wired to pay FIVE TIMES more attention to potential threats, bad news, and negative Nellies than to wonderful, encouraging, happy-making activities. Boo-hoo! That just means we need to have five times more fun to ‘even things out’!
Playtime anyone??
L
Aw.. I’m all smiley now, Lincoln – thank you! 🙂
And yes, I’m in favor of having five times more fun! 🙂
m
Awesome podcast!!! Negative is never easy. Your style is awesome, and one of a kind. What your doing right now, and this whole website is proof that you follow through. Keep up they amazing work.
Thanks, Ronnie. You made my night. 🙂 Keep creating!